2021 is
Doing Some Weird Shit
THE BEGINNING
January
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2020 remains in Overtime.
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Research group unveils facial recognition technology that can identify the political orientation of someone using only their face. It also can detect sexual orientation. Gaydar has been invented.
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Balldo announces a crowdfunding campaign for the Balldo, a dildo which attaches to testes so that they can be used for penetrative sex, and declares 2021 to be “The Year of the Balldo”.
February
March
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Burger King tweets that “Women belong in the kitchen” as a method to draw attention to an initiative to employ more women in the culinary field.
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Those locust swarms from 2020 are back in black, which is the color that they’re turning the sky in Saudi Arabia.
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A prosecutor in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, US is demoted due to attempting to work both as a prosecutor and for Door Dash during the same hours.
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2021 takes the Tau’ri’s Ba’als as Cliff Simon, actor of Ba’al on Stargate, dies.
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Oklahoma, US places a bounty of $2.1 million dollars on Bigfoot’s head.
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Wax statue of Twice Impeached Ex-US President Donald Trump is removed from a San Antonio, Texas, US wax museum after being excessively kicked, scratched, and punched. Despite the deformation of its appearance, many found it more accurate to life.
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Taiwanese superheavy cargo ship Ever Given draws a penis before running aground and plugging up the Suez Canal.
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With the Ever Given wedged into the Suez Canal and still not budging, hundreds of cargo ships reroute around The Cape of Good Hope, Africa, in the return to the 1700s the recent resurgence of sea shanties prophesized.
April
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An overweight passenger aboard a Taiwanese airline forces flight attendants to remove his pants so he can use the toilet and then wipe his ass as he moans in pleasure.
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Chinese woman finds out that her son’s bride is her long-lost daughter on their wedding day.
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Ted Nugent asks why there were no lockdowns for ‘COVID 1 Thru 18’.
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It is revealed that a black Lieutenant Medic in the U.S. Army Medical Corps was pepper-sprayed in traffic stop due to the lawsuit against the two white cops.
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Oklahoma, US, Senate controlled by fascist Republican GOP passes bill allowing people to hit protestors with their cars.
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Fedex Indianapolis terrorist who shot dozens of people outed as Brony, leading media who knows nothing about it to declare MLP fans white nationalist KKK members in disguise.
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Bomb set in Dungiven, Ireland in a terrorist attempt to kill a police officer and her daughter.
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Newmarket, Ontario neighbor saves two children and two adults with ladder from apartment fire before going to work.
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First roundabout built in Eastern Kentucky confuses all drivers who attempt to drive through it.
May
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Belgian farmer accidentally moves French border.
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Ohio, US State Senator caught driving in his car while attending a Zoom meeting about laws against distracted driving. He attempted to use the Zoom background replacement function to occlude his car, but forgot his seatbelt.
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U.S. Army trainee equipped with an automatic rifle hijacks a school bus full of schoolkids to use as hostages. He quickly lets the children leave the bus, stops, and surrenders after the students begin to incessantly ask him questions as only schoolchildren can.
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Dracula’s castle in Romania begins offering COVID-19 vaccination shots.
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European Union blacklists Belarus from international aviation.
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Captain Colombia reveals himself by holding off an armored water cannon truck with only his shield during Colombian protests against government overreach.
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Plague of mice descends upon the Australian rural areas due to 2020’s wildfires killing off natural predators.
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Foreign minister of the CCP, the despotic fascist regime oppressing China and conducting multiple concurrent genocides, tells Germans “you know what genocide looks like”.
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Another huge container ship gets stuck in the Suez Canal.
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Brood X, a truly legendary brood of cicadas known as the Great Eastern Brood, reemerges from underground after 17 years to coat the ground, the sky, and everything else on the East Coast of the US. They’ll eat everything, reproduce to the tune of 100db, then die.
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Dan Crenshaw Launches “Whistleblower” Page Over “Woke Ideology” in US Military
June
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Texas, US Attorney General admits Twice Impeached Ex-President Donald Trump would’ve lost Texas if they hadn’t blocked mail in ballots.
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Kim Jong Un declares K-Pop a ‘vicious cancer’ which threatens North Korean culture.
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Austrian soldier who got so drunk he asked his brother to tattoo a Nazi Swastika on his scrotum jailed for getting the banned Nazi symbol tattooed on his testicles.
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Big Chocolate wins child labor exploitation case in SCOTUS due to technicality of Ivory Coast not being inside U.S. jurisdiction.
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Los Angeles, US Air Traffic Control warns planes in the area of LAX that the Jetpack Guy has returned.
July
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American Airlines passenger has to be duct taped to her seat due to trying to open one of the doors of the plane while it is in flight.
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Jair Bolsonaro, the ‘president’ of Brazil, transferred to major hospital due to ongoing hiccups which continue for over 10 days.
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Japanese Government hires furry porn artists to promote the Tokyo Olympics.
August
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Snake bites man in Odisha, India. He bites back. Man wins.
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Man gets revenge on his school bully by having sex with his mom.
September
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Kim Jong Un, dictator of North Korea, steals the spotlight at United Nations due to dramatic weight loss.
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Vancouver man shocked to find his old luxury yacht has over $280 million dollars of cocaine on board after a raid.
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Second case of anthrax found in cattle in Kidder County, North Dakota, US
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Mr. Goxx ascends to the heights of the stock market through his incredible stock trading skill. Also, Mr. Goxx is a hamster.
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Drunk man in Turkey spends hours helping the search party sent out to find him look for himself.
October
November
December
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On an XMas NORAD Santa Tracking call, Republican father drops a surprise “Let’s Go Brandon”, an attempt by the fascist right to create an anti Biden phrase, on US President Biden. He agrees with the idea that Brandon should go.
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Rand Paul, a member of the fascist GOP mocked for saying Democrats steal elections using completely legal methods like getting more people to vote for you by giving them what they want.
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Georgia, US officials find a pro-GOP, the fascist party who claims millions of dead people vote for Democrats, ballot which was cast by a dead voter. They also find none for Democrats.
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Capitol Insurrectionist Thomas Sibick asks judge to let him use dating apps while he awaits trial.
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Japan invents lickable screen to imitate food flavors.
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Ottawa, Canada thieves successfully steal $200,000 worth of butter.
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Twice Impeached Defeated Ex-US President Donald Trump accuses Jan. 6 panel assembled to find criminal activity involved with the Capitol Insurrection of “seeking evidence of criminal activity”.
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Marjorie Taylor Greene suggests banning Democrats who move to red states from voting for a few years to give them a “cooling off” period.
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A for-profit company continues trying to privatize as many public libraries as they can.
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Tennessee Planned Parenthood destroyed in early morning fire on the eve of the New Year.
The End?